Risky Buisness

What is a risk?  This is something I have been asking myself since that day that someone told me that I was taking a risk in leaving my job to go back to school and pursue a Ph. D..  I had never really contemplated it as being a risk at all.  For me it was just an opportunity that was there and I was going to take it.  So I asked myself, why do others see this as a risk?

After some long deliberations on the questions I began to see how people could see what I was doing as risky.  It is very out of character for a man in his 40s to go back to school and leave a secure job that he has had for 10 years, while not knowing if he is going to be able to succeed in his new endeavors.  There is also the idea of leaving the hometown of mine and my wife’s’ families.  Not to mention the adjustment of going from owning a home to almost assuredly living in an apartment in a city that neither of us are familiar with.  The biggest city that either of us has ever lived in is Mt. Pleasant.  This is where we raised our children and have accumulated many relationships and memories over the years.  All of these thoughts began to burgeon on my mind.

All of these things started to change my view on what I am doing.  I have started to see and realize what people meant by taking a risk.  I am leaving everything behind that I have built up over the years to begin a new adventure in my life.  Even though it is scary and can be viewed as risky by people, this examination of the “risk” that I am taking, have led to a stronger conviction of how I always have felt about my decision.

Although many see this as a risk, I only see it as an opportunity that I have been destined to take my entire life.  I do not see it as leaving everything behind.  I see it as changing the script that has been written for me by others.  I am not stuck in one place and am able to go and flourish in the world.  I yearn for the excitement of the new city and challenges that are going to come my way.  I cannot wait for the chance to explore and make new acquaintances.  What I see as a risk is flying in a plane, others just see it as an opportunity to begin a new adventure.  Whether it is an opportunity or a risk, the only way to get somewhere it to take one of them and ride it out. 

Inferiority complex

Feelings of inferiority can have a detrimental effect on a person and a battle that I fight every day of my life.  Some days I feel that I have it conquered and it cannot affect me again.  The very next morning I will wake up completely replete in this horrific feeling of being inferior, incompetent and unworthy.  I have been this way as long as I can remember and have not been able to shake it. 

This summer being around so many amazing scholars has exacerbated this inferiority conflict that I have.  Everywhere I turn they are all doing such amazing things and are so intellectual that I continually have to ask myself if I am deserving of the honor of being in this cohort.  They may not see it on the outside, yet on the inside I am continually trying to suppress these feelings.  At times the burning questions becomes too much and some of it leaks out into my disposition and I become virulent with all of those around me.  At these particular times I am losing the battle with my thoughts of inferiority.

Although I lose some battles with my inferiority complex, there are other times that it has pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do.  For this, I have to give praise to all the passionate scholars that I am honored to be a part of.  Whether they know it or not, they have pushed me to become a better person and to change how I live and what I eat.  They have pushed me in the way that I think about things and how I see other people.  They have indirectly challenged me to push the envelope and become more scholarly and immerse myself into the world of academia.  At times like these I am winning the battle with my inferiority.

Inferiority is my continual burning question that I will continue to face each day, yet through this exploration of my inner self this summer, I am begging to understand what it is that makes me click.  Understanding is the first step in conquering this burning question that I have every day.  The next step is realizing that I do belong and am deserving of the things that I receive.