Risky Buisness

What is a risk?  This is something I have been asking myself since that day that someone told me that I was taking a risk in leaving my job to go back to school and pursue a Ph. D..  I had never really contemplated it as being a risk at all.  For me it was just an opportunity that was there and I was going to take it.  So I asked myself, why do others see this as a risk?

After some long deliberations on the questions I began to see how people could see what I was doing as risky.  It is very out of character for a man in his 40s to go back to school and leave a secure job that he has had for 10 years, while not knowing if he is going to be able to succeed in his new endeavors.  There is also the idea of leaving the hometown of mine and my wife’s’ families.  Not to mention the adjustment of going from owning a home to almost assuredly living in an apartment in a city that neither of us are familiar with.  The biggest city that either of us has ever lived in is Mt. Pleasant.  This is where we raised our children and have accumulated many relationships and memories over the years.  All of these thoughts began to burgeon on my mind.

All of these things started to change my view on what I am doing.  I have started to see and realize what people meant by taking a risk.  I am leaving everything behind that I have built up over the years to begin a new adventure in my life.  Even though it is scary and can be viewed as risky by people, this examination of the “risk” that I am taking, have led to a stronger conviction of how I always have felt about my decision.

Although many see this as a risk, I only see it as an opportunity that I have been destined to take my entire life.  I do not see it as leaving everything behind.  I see it as changing the script that has been written for me by others.  I am not stuck in one place and am able to go and flourish in the world.  I yearn for the excitement of the new city and challenges that are going to come my way.  I cannot wait for the chance to explore and make new acquaintances.  What I see as a risk is flying in a plane, others just see it as an opportunity to begin a new adventure.  Whether it is an opportunity or a risk, the only way to get somewhere it to take one of them and ride it out. 

Inferiority complex

Feelings of inferiority can have a detrimental effect on a person and a battle that I fight every day of my life.  Some days I feel that I have it conquered and it cannot affect me again.  The very next morning I will wake up completely replete in this horrific feeling of being inferior, incompetent and unworthy.  I have been this way as long as I can remember and have not been able to shake it. 

This summer being around so many amazing scholars has exacerbated this inferiority conflict that I have.  Everywhere I turn they are all doing such amazing things and are so intellectual that I continually have to ask myself if I am deserving of the honor of being in this cohort.  They may not see it on the outside, yet on the inside I am continually trying to suppress these feelings.  At times the burning questions becomes too much and some of it leaks out into my disposition and I become virulent with all of those around me.  At these particular times I am losing the battle with my thoughts of inferiority.

Although I lose some battles with my inferiority complex, there are other times that it has pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do.  For this, I have to give praise to all the passionate scholars that I am honored to be a part of.  Whether they know it or not, they have pushed me to become a better person and to change how I live and what I eat.  They have pushed me in the way that I think about things and how I see other people.  They have indirectly challenged me to push the envelope and become more scholarly and immerse myself into the world of academia.  At times like these I am winning the battle with my inferiority.

Inferiority is my continual burning question that I will continue to face each day, yet through this exploration of my inner self this summer, I am begging to understand what it is that makes me click.  Understanding is the first step in conquering this burning question that I have every day.  The next step is realizing that I do belong and am deserving of the things that I receive. 

Scholarly Love

There have been many that have influenced me into who I am today.  There have been my parents, teachers, drill instructors, professors, mentors, my wife, my children and countless others that I have crossed paths with in my life.  Out of all of these people one stands out above them all.  This would be my grandmother, Edna Forbes.

She did not have an education beyond the sixth grade, yet she was one of the most erudite people that I have ever had the pleasure of being around.  When you went to stay at grandma’s house, which I did every day after school until I was twelve and every summer until I was eighteen, you stayed in the spare bedroom where there was bookshelves full of Time Magazine, National Geographic, encyclopedias and numerous other books.  There was also stacks of crossword puzzles that were in every corner of the room, half of them done and others that were not yet finished.  Out in the living room there was always a scrabble game that was ready to go on the desk and a Webster’s Dictionary sit right next to it.  There were a plethora of wisdom and knowledge that was always in my presence while at her house.

All of these items were not stoic.  When I was there the first thing that we would do in the morning would be to play a game or two of scrabble before breakfast.  It was frustrating playing with her at first, for she would always beat me and whenever I would play a word I would have to tell her what the definition of that word was.  I was not just allowed to play the words that she had played, she wanted me to know them for what they were.  Later in the day she would have me pick a magazine off of the bookshelf and read it.  After I had read it we would always sit down and analyze the article.  She would make me give an explanation of why I felt the way I did about the article and if I did not have evidence for my explanation she would find another article for me to read that would either support or oppose the view that I had taken.  She was giving me the greatest gift that anyone can give another person, the gift of knowledge and understanding.

Going beyond the scholarly, she also helped to instill in me the rewards of perseverance.  She showed me this many times in her life.  The first being after her quadruple bypass surgery when she was 59 years old.  The doctors told her that she would only make it five to ten more years if she did do certain things.  Well, grandma being as obstinate as anyone I know did it her way and lived until the age of 85, her way.  Along the way she did have a stroke that took away her ability to write for a while, but when she came home she sat on the floor for three days learning how to make her letters and write again.  She showed me that you can do anything that you want and can be whatever you want.  It is all in you, you just have to press through and fight for it, even when the cards are stacked against you.

She was harder on me than anybody else ever was.  She demanded more of me than everybody else ever did.  We did not get gifts on Christmas, but since she was a baker, we always did get a homemade cake on out birthday.  She did not give compliments readily and was slow to praise.  What she did give was an example of how to be and gifts beyond what I could comprehend at that time.  Now that I am older, I see what it was that she has given me and every day I thank her for what she has done for me.  Everything I accomplish and degree I receive is equated to the things that she has done for me.  She will be right there on that stage the day that I receive my doctoral degree.